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Suicide is painless...

"Through early morning fog I see; Visions of the things to be

The pains that are withheld for me; I realize and I can see...

That suicide is painless; It brings on many changes

And I can take or leave it if I please." ~ Johnny Mandel - 1969

I shortly realized that I am no man of steel. I too had emotions of anger, love, loneliness and wanted to be there with the rest of the world. However, this sudden shift in life due to the disability which I didn't subscribe for left me wanting to get out. I am not saying get out in the sense of ending it all. I meant wanted not to be in it; seek for a miracle OR a cure where I could see the world and it's brilliant colors again. Hang out with my friends and enjoy playing all the games on my PlayStation 2, take a ride and get frustrated with the traffic in my city, enjoy a good time with the girls at the club etc.

Sadly, I knew that this was just not possible anymore. I am trapped in my head thanks to my blindness no matter what I did; the only time I could escape reality is when I was sleeping. This is when strange/ exciting and adventurous dreams would visit me in full color and experience as if I was there in them playing me but so not directed by me. You can't live in a dream forever, so one wakes up to a reality each day knowing that you will visit that dream land at the end of the day.

Yes, the thought of ending it all did come to me; I fought it! There was no secret to fighting it but reassuring myself about all the positives about my life; gratitude was the attitude that kept me afloat. Looking back, what made me consider the thought; it was mainly people; who spoke very hurtful. Some did it out of ignorance, some did it on purpose to break me. Well guess what, I am broken emotionally and may not put my heart out for a friend anymore and I might also not trust you for your word; because communication in today's world is more than words; it's expressions, tone and context. I don't have time for that kind of monkey business. I survived the thought; that matters; that needs courage and it doesn't mean that I am a man of steel. It just means that I diverted those thoughts to the positives. I am not discounting those people who stood by me when I needed them; some friends would take me out for a drink to cheer me up, some friends to a movie, some friends would just hang around if I needed any help. I started giving my life a new direction, not forgetting to enjoy it's little pleasures of food and conversations. I love the music I listen to and get to grab a lot of movies on various OTT platforms. I am entertained and focused. My focus is in creating awareness on digital accessibility and I am seeing positive change in my own organization and many other businesses who I have reached out to.

In conclusion; I found my purpose in darkness. Suicide is painless? I don't think so but I can take or leave it if I please.