When you share a personal truth about living with a disability, you’re not looking for approval—you’re offering an act of trust. But too often, what comes next isn’t empathy. It’s a polite dismissal, an act of erasure that invalidates your reality.
For those with an invisible disability or no physical signs of one, the response that follows is often a specific kind of dismissal. When you hear phrases like, “You look fine,” you may believe the person is offering comfort. In their mind, they are assuring you that your struggles are invisible, perhaps hoping that this makes you feel strong. But to the one living with that struggle, it feels like a subtle yet undeniable invalidation. It's a statement that prioritizes your perception over their reality. Phrases like “I wouldn’t have guessed” or “But you’re too young!” carry a similar weight. They imply that the person’s experience doesn't fit a predetermined, narrow definition of what disability should look like. These words, meant to be comforting, effectively say, “I don’t believe you.” They can make a person feel like a fraud in their own skin, forced to perform their pain or justify their existence to earn validity. This is not empathy; it is the subconscious denial of another person's truth, a refusal to see beyond the surface of what society has taught us to expect.
The well-meaning advice and comparisons that often follow are equally damaging. We have all heard them: “You’re so brave for going to the grocery store,” or “You should try yoga, vitamins, or positive thinking.” The intent is often to lift someone up, to offer a solution, or to show admiration. Yet, these statements often do the opposite. They turn mundane acts of survival into moments of exceptional heroism, creating a chasm between the person’s reality and the world's perception of it. They also imply that the person is not trying hard enough, that their disability is a puzzle to be solved rather than a fact to be accepted. The worst of these is being compared to someone else who "has it worse." This is not only a dismissal of their pain but also a cruel game of emotional one-upmanship that serves no purpose other than to make the person feel guilty for their own struggles. True empathy doesn’t try to fix or compare; it sits with the person in their experience, recognizing their pain as valid and unique.
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What is needed in these moments is something far simpler and far more profound: a conscious choice to just listen. True empathy doesn't require us to have a solution, a comparison, or a piece of advice. It only requires us to be present and to hold space for another person's truth. When someone trusts you enough to let you into their world, the greatest honor you can give them is to let their words stand on their own. Let their experience be valid without the side dish of doubt. Self-identification is not an invitation for debate; it is a sacred act of trust. To honor that trust is to practice real empathy—to recognize and accept someone’s reality as their own, without the need to filter it through our own biases, expectations, or discomfort. It’s an act of deep respect, one that acknowledges their humanity and their right to their own story, without condition.
How have your experiences with sharing personal truths shaped your understanding of empathy? Have you found yourself on either side of this conversation, offering words that were misunderstood or receiving responses that felt dismissive? Share your reflections and stories below, and let's explore this topic together. Feel free to email your comments to write2me@mister-kayne.com or share them below.
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